How can I encourage my wife to be more involved after a c-section?

Question

After my wife had a c-section three weeks ago, she has been recovering well but doesn't seem to be getting as involved in taking care of our baby as I would like. I have been handling most of the night shifts and my mother-in-law helps during the day. How can I cope with this situation and encourage my wife to be more involved? Is there anything else that c-section mothers should be doing at this stage? And what can fathers do if they find themselves in a reversed situation?

Answer 1

My wife, almost two weeks after a C-section, is able to do practically all work related to baby care. Only baths are left to me, and even then she does assist me. I'd like to think we do 50% of the work, but actually she probably does more. I am currently on a leave and soon I will go to work - and during the day she will have to take care of our baby on her own.

This does not seem like a physical problem. I'd say it's entirely psychological. And as with most psychological problems - you should try to talk it over. Try to learn what she feels, just let her talk - if she is willing. Listen carefully.

It is possible that she feels "unnecessary" - since you were handling the baby so well. I would try to ask her for help, even when you are perfectly capable of handling a situation on your own, so that she would feel more needed. That's just an idea.

Postpartum depression is a well documented and quite often happening illness. Consider seeking professional help.

Answer 2

To the other excellent answers, I would also add that many new mothers experience a lack of confidence, and sometimes this is made worse by the fact that they had to have a C-section (it is a bit irrational, but it can feel like you somehow failed at your first basic task of motherhood). As you have taken over much of the care, it may have made her feel more inept, especially as you have corrected her way of holding the baby and perhaps have given her other tips, thinking you were encouraging her involvement.

I would suggest you step back. Trust her to take care of the baby and give her a chance to rise to the challenge, to find her own way to hold and diaper and soothe baby. Show confidence in her, but avoid adjective-laden praise as it makes the work of caring for the baby something you need to approve of. Instead, you might comment on things she does well in a more neutral way:

You got her to sleep in less than an hour - it took me a lot longer than that.
I think I was making her nappy too tight - she looks more comfortable the way you do it.
I am so glad you are feeling a bit better from the surgery. I know you are not 100%, and you are managing amazingly well. I didn't even have surgery, and I was exhausted!
You will need to let her do things her own way even though she will do things differently than you and perhaps initially not as well as you. She needs to grow into this role by trying things and making her own successes.

Many new mums get a slow start, but with experience I am sure your wife will be great.