Should a recently weaned toddler be present when mom nurses the newborn sibling?

Question

My wife became pregnant with our third child when our second was only ten months old. She had difficulty producing enough milk, so she weaned our second off breast milk completely at around one year old. Now that our third child has been born, should we keep our second away from mom when she nurses the newborn or allow her to witness it? Some people say it might remind her of being nursed and make her miss mom even more, while others think it's okay for her to see it. What should we do?

Answer 1

I'm not speaking from either personal experience (my children were all spaced farther apart) or from academic research in this answer. That being said:

I think that "hiding" the breastfeeding will eventually end up making the toddler feel more isolated and excluded by her younger sibling. It will require specifically removing one sibling from another's presence (whether the older must leave the room, or her mother takes the newborn out of the room) as well as preventing the toddler from talking to or interacting with her mother at all. That seems more likely to result in loneliness or even resentment.

Instead, invite the toddler to see what's going on. Talk about the differences that happen as you grow up ("you eat big girl food now!") and invite her to bring her own snack or drink to sit near mom while the baby nurses. Make sure that you set some boundaries (the older sibling can't climb on or roughly hug while the baby is nursing, and may need to wait patiently for attention), but those are inevitable parts of being an older child (the same restrictions apply during diaper changes, for example).

Answer 2

Personal experience, single data point only:

Our son was a big fan of breastfeeding and the milk and the comfort of being on mom. He was weaned while we were expecting his little sister. (He was close to 2 years old.) I expected trouble when the newborn started nursing. (But I never imagined trying to keep it secret/separate.)

He complained/screamed and seemed envious the first time, maybe 2. We let him know that there wasn't room on mom's lap for the both of them and that he would have to wait his turn.

He still spent time reaching for mom's breast after that, but not when it was the baby's turn. Further, while on mom's lap, any overtures to nurse were redirected to the bottle.

It didn't take long, he didn't really "regress" to nursing at all.

I agree that older kids should be able to see themselves as part of the baby's life and care, as well as receiving plenty of individual focus themselves.